First drink (song/poem)

When will I learn?
And why I never do?
Why I keep making the same mistakes?
That's what I ask myself
After yet another one relapse
Where did I go wrong this time?

I know the answer but I can't admit
It's always been the first drink
I am aware but always take it
First drink enough to get me drunk
I purposely get drunk and then I make excuses

I didn't want it - I keep saying
Excuse after excuse
Just lying to myself
Unintentional, unwanted or accidently taken
But the truth is right before me

I know the answer but I can't admit
It's always been the first drink
I am aware but always take it
First drink enough to get me drunk
I purposely get drunk and then make excuses

My sponsor, friends, brothers and sisters
And even God keep telling me
You shouldn't take the first drink
Just talk to me instead
I'm here for you please accept my help
And I am sorry I just let them down

I want to listen but I just can't help it
First drink is tempting
I'm powerless against it
I take that first drink and get blinded
And then eventually I need another one

Now crying out to God
Not even managing to say a word
Help me God I need you
I'm sorry I took the drink again
Can't even call my sponsor out of shame
God say „I'll hold you - trust me darling“

I know the answer but I can't admit
It's always been the first drink
I am aware but always take it
First drink enough to get me drunk
I purposely get drunk and then make excuses

Then someone calls me at 2 am
How are you doing?
My concerned friend asks
I want to tell her but hold it back instead
I'm fine - my biggest lie escapes my lips

Wish I could tell her but always freak out
Guess I'm afraid of judgement I will get
You know that you can trust me
She understands that I'm not telling her the truth
But still I am ashamed to tell her
I am afraid the truth will make her leave

And then I hate myself for lying to my friend
I want to open up I really do
Instead I lie to everyone especially myself
I guess the only thing I need is talk.
But I refuse to call when God asks me to
Pretending I don't understand the truth

I know the answer but I can't admit
It's always been the first drink
I am aware but always take it
First drink enough to get me drunk
I purposely get drunk and then make excuses

Ohh God I know I should turn to you
Repent of all the wrongs I do
I love you God I really do
And I am sorry that I hurt you
With all the promises I didn't keep.
Just ask for forgiveness after taking first drink