the last remnant of the seashell town

I was born here. I will die here. A city by the ocean. A city that old folks used to call “The Seashell Town”. I remember running along the coast with Sally, my sister. In fact, it’s the only thing I fairly remember. The rest is just a maze. Of random events, people and everything else that had went on for about the time I left here all alone. I’m standing on a rocky beach. I think that there used to be some white sand on it but now it’s just gone.

A plague that takes away the people from you. A plague that had passed through this city too... At first it took the weakest – which I loved most. Later on – everyone else till the last one who went crazy and finished himself. That poor fool had left me the sole survivor in a god damn silence. The silence of The Seashell Town’s decaying present screaming for some peace when the peace was the only thing actually left...

…I loved watching my little sister as she was always smiling whenever I did something clumsy. There was a beach that we used to go together when we were children. A one with a rocky bottom. I remember falling down into the water after skidding onto those damn rocks. She had been laughing for fifteen minutes before I got back on the shore and started chasing her all wet…

The plague took her because she was closest to me. Later on it came to my father and mother too. I came to visit them when some time passed after the local people buried the remains. Before coming to them I had been considering committing a suicide for three times. Had found them on the bed, hugged. There were numerous pill cans around. Later I’d noticed early plague marks on their faces. Maybe it was best for them to end like this. It had continued for about two weeks. Saw the final person jumping off the cliff a long time ago. Don’t remember when it was exactly. My wrinkles make me forget things like yesterday or the day before. Sometimes – even my name. I prefer to call myself the last remnant. Makes it a bit easier. I was wondering why am I the only one still alive? Now I stand on the same beach I used to go to back in the childhood. Suddenly my sisters’ echo flies by somewhere in between big dark shore rocks that have always scared me. I guess it’s only my imagination playing tricks on me again… Or is it a voice from the past?

- How have you been, brother?
- I miss you all…
- Why don’t you come to us?
- I can’t… I simply… Can’t!
- The mother’s having dreams about you. That you’re alone, standing by the ocean. Waiting for us…
- I am.
- Then join us.
- I CAN’T! Haven’t you heard god damn it?! I can’t…
- Goodbye then, brother, goodbye…
- No! Sorry… I’m very sorry! Just wait! Stop! Where are you? Come back! I didn’t mean to… I… I am just…
- Afraid of what, John?
- Who are you?
- I’m you, John. Your voice of conscience of course.
- No no no… Not you again… Christ, help me… GO AWAY! I told you to stop already! Stop…
- Having delusions again, John?
- Get out of my head!
- I’m afraid that won’t happen, John. You see I am you and you are me. Now get back home and forget this place. Seriously. Don’t come back here again. Never. Don’t you see that it’s hurting you more and more every single night you come here? Come… Come with me.
- Fuck off!!!
- Now that’s not the way to treat yourself, John.
- Leave me alone… Please…
- Then come.

The voice I’m hearing. Is it really me? Why am I so cruel to myself? What do I really want? Do I want peace? Or just to go home and fall asleep for another night, then get up and see the deserted city again? Where did all people go? How could they possibly disappear in such a short time? Everyone has left except me...

- John, stop hurting yourself. Come. Come with me.
- Haven’t you heard?! I don’t want to go anywhere with you, asshole! Now leave me alone… I want to be here for a while…
- Be as you want, John. But I’ll come back later. You know… Just to check if you’re still willing to go, - nodded at me as if he was some kind of an old friend, a friend that I haven’t ever needed.

And he left. I was alone again. Calm. It’s so calm in here now.

- Sally? – the name has drowned in the salty water.

I know what you might think, but it’s nothing like that. I’m not dead yet not because I’m simply blessed. Had some kind of immunity to that plague. No. It’s more like a curse… A curse which will lead me to the end of my days. What is it? I have been looking for the answer for so long… Long enough to forget if I’m still looking for it I guess.

- John?
- John? Is it my name?
- Well definitely not mine!
- Am I mad?
- You can be as mad as fuck but for all I care I only need you to go with me, John.
- Where are we going?
- Home, John, we’re going HOME.
- And were IS home? Tell me because, frankly, I don’t know where the home is anymore…
- You don’t remember, John, do you? Your old good home in the Salt Street? A big red two storey wooden building?  It’s on the corner of the street. You really have some serious mental issues, pal. You should get a rest.
- Yeah?.. And you should go fuck yourself.
- That’s very rude of you to say like that, John. You know one day I might really take it offensive.
- Go for it.
- Nevertheless, we have a long journey ahead of us, John. We should hurry before it gets colder, - have I touched my own hand?
- What’s your name?
- My name is YOU.
- Me?
- Yes.
- So you’re John!
- No.
- So who the hell are you?!! - I believe I stared punching myself in the stomach.
- YOU.

I sit on the shore. It gets darker and colder - hugged my knees. All bloody. Got into a fight, but with whom – I can’t remember. The guy must have been the same build as I am – roughed me up badly. Sally is gone and I’m here all alone waiting for the sea to split. Useless. Close the eyes for a bit. When I wake up I see that I’m somewhere else. Somewhere familiar. Is this… My home? I think so. The walls feel the same, hell, even the floor feels the same. It’s my hole, a one I pretend to call home. It’s so wet and dark in here. Nobody looked after my apartment since the outbreak. Not even myself…

Early in the morning I… Hear that somebody’s playing in the yard. It’s… Impossible! Haven’t heard any life sound in years… Could it be… I think I hear a tricycle horn – somebody’s riding it right at the front door. Putting on some clothing and getting out to see if it’s still there but when I open the door it’s already gone. Only a bleak image of the sun on a worn off doorstep. Who was it? Another piece of my puzzled imagination? Sometimes before crossing this door I feel like I’m crossing the jaws of hell. The hell of emptiness and silence. It’s not peace. No, it’s not even close to peace. A peaceful place isn’t just silent. It’s something else. Suddenly I feel tears coming down my cheek. I realize something. Crossing the jaws of hell I realize something I forgot years ago. I am the last remnant of the Seashell Town. For all those years… For all people who now rot calmly in the soil. For my little sister… For parents and the whole little world that I use to remember… The plague… Has always been…  only ME.