Since He Walked Away

The day he walked away
I suddenly became awake.
The push was all I needed
To break what was left. The feeling
Of ice cold floor. I was reeling,
I knew I deserved a better living.

For weeks I pushed myself away
From past. The future became my friend.
On top I felt as I improved
I healed I thought. A new day showed
I wasn\'t. I was in denial
To hide my scars and this betrayal.

I had to reach out to you
I died every time I refused
To believe that after all that connection
I lost my friend. I sent the message
Expecting no answer, thought you silenced away
All the feelings came back within a reply.

When all the men I tried to date
Coz I never believed in our fate
You stood out making me feel
The best friend I had. I was free.
The chains of abuse were no longer suffocating,
The three years I spent with him now meant nothing.

You helped me move to a new place
Of hope not just another date.
I never meant to fall so deeplv
For someone that gave the vowels. Protecting
You were of them ones closer than us
Yet it was me trying to pull us apart.

But all minds go sometimes so deep
The worries in my head I continued to feel
Came across as anger, you blamed BPD
The fear of reiection I no longer felt
To all but you, I knew it was real
Until the moment when it all was revealed.

The care no longer was in your eyes
When seeing another one of those lies.
A stranger was stood on my floor
You made your choice and left me. Alone
I felt again. There was your wife,
There was another. I couldn\'t survive.

My past all of the sudden came back to creep
On our future that cut so deep.
Abuser showed up in the shiny armour
To take what was his once. The survivor
Has left my body. Yet believed I can do
No harm to us but push it right through.

The more I wanted to show you love
The more I fought against the core.
Regretting I was, „ What have I done? „
He wasn\'t the person I wanted. In bed
I had him but cried yet seemed so fine
I had to do something to follow rebound.

I wanted to see if you were the one
That fights against all of the odds.
My heart was beaten and tired enough
To fight the battles that weren\'t even mine.
I might have done something not right
Or maybe escaped the dying inside.

When you said again you still love me now
Forgiveness was there crossing my mind
But words you spoke again these nights
Weren\'t any better, you\'ve hidden your heart.
Confusion has settled. Between the lines
I read to see you\'re too far outside.

It brought me back to my knees
Knowing someone I love was now hers
Or maybe instead the other person
You say you never remember. Like in December
I was once again battling to stand
When all I felt was the cold ground.

Too much has happened now I see
Too much I\'ve put into you, I believed
The voices inside me back in November
Were now proven real. I will always remember
There\'s love, there\'s lust - the difference I see
I was the excitement you always seek.

Now that is all out of the system
While you\'re again just choose disappearing,
Ignoring the fact that I was hurting,
Withholding the truth. I\'m regretting
Nothing. I no longer need the closure
To further continue my healing future.