My diary. I will inform that everything is written in here is all true life.

2010. 11. 30 Tuesday [22:37]
I got bored with games, so I thought I’ll try to continue my diary with computer. Even with the hand I haven’t written for quite a while…
Anyway, yesterday I’ve been in the hospital for… Er… Let’s say for a small treatment… Today I’m feeling awfully tired, but not sure why… I mean I was under anaesthesia and I guess it still might affect me, but I was expecting to recover sooner. I gone to the city centre today to settle things with the bank…. Damn, I didn’t bring that damned letter there… Shit…. I’ll do that tomorrow if I’ll have no trouble…
So I’ve searched for internet and I couldn’t take wi –fi ‘cause there’s only one “BT” or some other shit.. Well, I tried with the pay as you go but I have no credit card yet and “Vodafone” was the only one who had USB flash that I’d be able to top – up with cash…
So now I have internet, that I used quite a lot.

                             
I downloaded “myth war 2” game online, but it seems I’m not interested that much like before… Not much fun I have to do anyway…
[22:50]
“Kiss while your lips are still red”. Now it plays.. Nightwish. I remember when I’ve been in that show 2 years ago. It was amazing. Even now, in here I have that ticket. Lol.
I wonder how’s my love. Haven’t written anything to him… Oh, I wrote, but when I was in the centre… I hope he’s not upset with that… Mmm… I missed him already despite I saw him yesterday. I just love that crazy loving furball .
I’ll just wait until I’ll recover – then I’ll eat him alive: D
[23:13]
I’m getting very tired… That damned walking left me as strong as dying lizard… I need to rest… Not working tomorrow… Am I ever glad…

     

2010. 12. 05  Sunday    [17:34]
I’m thinking about today. I wonder how much I’ve changed since Lithuania? I used to be very angry, but also a timid person. I know I lost most of my fears quite a while ago when I began to walk to the cashpoint every week at midnight, and not to mention about walking into different places at night…. I would have never done that at home, that’s for sure… Maybe… Lol…
Anyway, I couldn’t fall asleep last night so just listened some music whole night…
Yesterday I was in quite stupid situation:
After meeting my love yesterday, I thought I’d like to eat something ‘cause I had a sub only in my break which was at 2pm or something. So I thought I’ll go to the polish shop to get some apples and I met couple of old friends who were going to the club so we walked and chatted. It was maybe around 23 o’clock. So when I came to the “mazda” shop, I told them I have to go home and I gone to that small street. And I walked quite long time, thinking that I had to be at home by that time and I didn’t know where am I thought the place was familiar from the night walking I used to go. Then a memory flashed through me and I thought “damn, I can’t be near st paul’s road, can I??? ” and what happened? I ended in the same damned street I was worried I’d be!!! And I was thinking that I’ll be at home about 11: 30pm… And I came back whole hour later than I was supposed to be… Now that was a bit of mess…
Anyway, yesterday I had to work on the night shift as Riaz called me and asked to come ‘cause Tyler wasn’t feeling very well, so I accepted. When I was on my way, he called me again and said that she came to work and I don’t need to work. I got annoyed because I was ready to do it and my love was already upset by that. So we meet up and had a good time when Tyler called to my mobile so I switched off my phone that nobody would disturb us. Late after midnight I turned it on and there was a message that they still needed me to help ‘cause, as I suspect, it was quite busy in there, but I didn’t answered. I was very pissed off by that. I mean, what are they thinking about playing on my nerves. Well, I don’t care. If they don’t like it – it is their problem, as next time they should be more responsible and respect other people…
Well, I’m going for a fag. Hm, I want to finish that smoking but I guess there’s still more things to do before it… Sigh…
[22:00]
Had a good fag, talked with neighbours from Latvia and had a hot bath as tomorrow I might have a hot day .
Listening to “scorpions – born to touch your feelings”. Lots of memories… In Lithuania I used to listen to this song or something similar and write my blog. I know it might sound weird, but even I was depressed in those times, there are some things that I missed…
I cannot stop thinking about my home in there… Even if I feel that I belong in here as well, still I can’t stop missing my home in Lithuania… And every day it seems to be harder and harder to bear the longing to go home as it’s growing stronger every time… Sometimes I can’t stop feeling deeply sad to be so far away… Even now, in these times, times of true happiness in my life, I am very upset about it, but just… I just don’t want to trouble anybody with it… I know my love might be not very happy about it, that I am not telling now about it, but even if I’d tell him, it wouldn’t change anything – I can’t go home. Not yet. I can’t get my holidays and, to tell that honestly, it is frustrating… I haven’t been there for way over an year, which means I’ve never gone there since I left… It’s just unfair…
But as long as I have my love, I can carry on with it. Even I don’t know how I’d stay there without him… That would be madness…
Sigh… I just feel like I was torn into half, where one of it wants to go home, to stay there and never go away, but now when I found true love, and happiness even in this hard life, I can’t... It is just too hard… I hope one day I will have the answers I need… And I hope I’m going the right path I decided to go, because in these times, I mustn’t do mistakes, because if I will – it might affect my whole life, so in this time I must be tactful and careful.
[22:16]
I’ve been thinking… I know I have something that not very much people has, but I can still find it weird how my dreams usually coming true…
When I was in Ireland, I had a couple of zebra finches that laid four eggs. And I was waiting for chicks. And one night I dreamed that in the morning I found one of them hatched. And in the morning I checked – it came true! I thought it was normal because I was expecting them to break out anyway. But the second night I had a dream that not one, but two hatchlings got out, and it was also true when I checked. The last one was still in the egg, trying to break out, so I saw the shell breaking, as in my third dream! I was quite shocked with that, as it never happened to me before.
After some time has passed, I dreamed that I fell ill badly, and after few days I got quite severe pneumonia. That was the worst disease of mine not mentioning the depression… I had to struggle with the breathing and there were times that I thought that I’m going to choke to death… It was tough…
And there were other dreams that got right thought I can’t remember most of them except the one about… Hm… Well, anyway, it was connected with that operation, that my mom told my grandfather that I have trouble with my health and I said I’ll be all right. And the other day I’ve done some checking and, unfortunately, it came true as well. So now I made a decision to keep an eye on things I’m dreaming and I am trying to get it right, whether it will come true or not. Not long ago I had a dream that I met my former English teacher and I was at home, so if I am right, I might have a chance to go home by spring or something. I hope, ‘cause I missed my mum and others… Well, if I’ll go there, I’ll have a lot of traveling and meetings in a short time, so I suppose I’ll be quite busy.
Hm… I wonder how’s my sweets… I didn’t wrote him ‘cause I don’t want to bother while he’s with his friends, so I think I’ll read a book or something… I can hardly stifle a yawn as I had no sleep last night, and I guess I must have some sleep – my love will not forgive me if I’ll come to meet him all puffed up and drowsy:) .
[23:23]
Ok, I still can’t sleep. Lately not getting enough of it. Not sure why… I’m not feeling comfortable…
Reading my all blogs… It is very strange for me to read and know that it was me who wrote it… If I would find new friends in here and they’d read it – I’m sure they wouldn’t believe that I wrote all that stuff…
Even today, when I was talking with my sweets, he asked me suddenly if I like myself. I said “of course”, because I have changed, I became a different person! He just roared into my ear “that’s fantastic”: D I just jumped from it, but I was actually surprised to get such an emotion from him when he got my answer. He told me he thought I’d say no, as usually. I truly hated myself; I had pure anger on me… I was awful… There are things that I still I hate about myself, but I will not HATE MYSELF, as the things I don’t like can be changed. Anyway, my love said that I’ve made a lot of progress and I am sure he’s right because I was in a really bad shape. And, to tell truly, I wouldn’t have come this far on my own – he changed my life forever. I’ve learned to feel, to see things I couldn’t before, to love… I’ve learned such things that was unknown for me… I became calm, loving and strong woman…
There are still lots of things I need to fix in me and to learn something, but I will feel when the time will come, and I will make such an outstanding change that everybody, who knew me, will be shocked to see me………..
And I think this night is meant to change me not fully, but a lot. I wonder how I will be tomorrow afterwards? Hmmm…
Need to go.