December girl

She was sitting on the roof, starring at me through those creepy goggles. Vanessa Macbeth was the girl, that laughed too loud, always sang of key, and carried with her both: too long limbs and pregnant silences. She was the one, who lived next door and never understood, why I spent my nights laying outside on the grass or sitting in a tree. Perhaps, she thought that I was whispering lullabies to plants, as she was a dreamer, trapped under the pillow of snow and Christmas songs, but the reason for my strange behavior was really simple and boring, so I never told her the truth.

They laughed and ridiculed her, because she was wearing ugly glasses, that reminded me of two huge fish eye goggles, so I joined her enemies, silently cursing myself, as she had the most amazing birth- marks on her bonny elbows. But it couldn't be helped. She was the one I loved and hated at the same time. A beautiful ghost from my cruel dreams.

I knew her inside out, she fantasied about me. We were both stuck in a thing called love, too scared to admit to each other it, or break free from sweet illusions of indifference. Everything was fake, she was real though. The tears, that rolled down her pale cheeks, the fascinating smile, that appeared on her almost blue lips, when it rained, the obnoxious laughs, spilling from her small throat, like a waterfall. She was so close, that I could almost touch the freckles behind her ears and, oh, her name! It tasted so delicious on the tip of my tongue, almost like my last cigarette.

Sighing sadly I looked outside the window, but couldn't see anything, because it was too cold in early December. My fingers curled tightly, getting tangled in dark brown locks. I was doomed to shatter into million small pieces, as if I was just a glass figure. Slowly breathing out glitter, that slept in the creases of my lungs, I pressed the burning cheek on to the cool surface, covered in frost flowers. Cold air burned my nostrils and fingertips turned blue. Tremors rocked my body violently, making everything twitch and itch, perhaps I forgot to breath again.... That happens, when you can't fall asleep for days.

Scrunching up crooked nose in distaste I rose to wobbly feet, ignoring the dull ache in my rattly kneecaps. I was too fragile for this world, I suppose no one cared though. As I was just a dark silhouette, a shadow so hollow and shallow.

Swaying on the heels of my bare feet, I shook the empty head, getting dizzy in the process. White splotches fogged up my vision, as I plunged frail nails into the creamy wall, trying to prevent awkward body form sagging down. Freckled toes drowned in the setaceous carpet, while my head rolled back, hitting the bony shoulders. Pale, dry lips parted, letting the loud, grotesque gasps escape. I was about to tumble down, getting swallowed by frightening darkness, which crept up behind me, caressing my evident shoulder-blades.

I was supposed to take my medication. However, I was one of those, who never listened or did, what they were told to. Stretching my aching limbs on the freezing floor, I sighed in relief, preparing myself for what was about to happen. Taking in a deep breath. Closing my heavy eye-lids, getting lost under the sky of dust. Fragile body slowly melting into the floor, falling, through the broken promises and guilt, running in the tricky labyrinths of twisted mind, hitting bonny elbows on the carton walls, spinning in circles, choking from silence. Breathing out. Starting the countdown again. Breathing in. Loosing myself in magnificent insanity. Breathing out. Time's a valuable thing, yet you'll never grasp it in your greedy hands.

I knew it damn well and it petrified me. Perhaps that's why I always woke up from my uncontemplated slumber so lurid. That day it wasn't exception. There was that sweet, notorious taste of bile raising up my throat, a pretty ache and fear stuck on the roof of my mouth, slowly eating me from the inside with cold, sweaty bugs. Affliction pulsed in my veins, dull twinges nipped at my ears as I felt warm, maroon liquid dripping from the porcelain flesh.

Long eye lashes, interlaced in sleep danced across damp parquetry, as I struggled to shake the cold that raised through my skin. Quivering fingertips touched claret paint, drawing on the hardwood floor, which still smelled of polish and oak. If I could, I would have painted miles of shinning stars, planets, galaxies, although there were not enough scarlet water color paints and I was already late for school.

Instead of obeying the rules, which made fun out of life, trapping people in an endless routine, I dragged my body outside, forgetting to put on gloves, boots, and jacket.

She was there. Spinning in circles, while trying to swallow as much as possible, feathers that felt from the gloomy sky. Vanessa was wearing thick white coat, heavy boots and yellow gloves. My neighbor's cheeks were stained with rosy blush and I could see all of her slightly crooked teeth. The girl reminded me of a snowman, that sang cheep Christmas card songs, but she never looked as beautiful as that day.

Vanessa offered to make a snow angel on the ground. I asked her if she loved me. She said no, laughing like a waterfall. And her answer gave me wings, a crazy satisfaction and desire to create an angel in the white sand, so I did as she told me; falling down and stretching my arms as far, as I could. She laid right beside me, sharing her erratic breaths and rapid heartbeat with mine. So I asked her if she loved December and she said yes.

“Why don't you sleep? ” Her warm breath ghosted across my neck and suddenly I wanted to kiss the freckles behind her ears so badly, but I had to answer her question.

“I have a fear of falling asleep alone. ” My reply was, dull, emotionless, Vanessa Macbeth didn't mind though. She stayed silent for awhile, because it was her, and then, she asked if she could sleep with me. I said no, she just smiled, exposing those almost straight teeth. Her thin, sequined fingertips wrapped tightly around my torso, trapping me in the unkept promises and condolence. I didn't push her away, even when her goggles bruised the milky skin of my neck and my freckled toes turned blue, as she was my December girl.