Cheers, darlin' 1/2

Cheers, darlin’, here’s to you and your lover boy...

He was sitting on the floor in his apartment with half-emptied beer bottle in his hand. There were a dozen empty bottles on his coffee-table too. For the last couple months he was only trying to erase memory of her from his heart. Those tries weren’t successful. At first, alcohol seemed to do its job quite well. It numbed his feelings, eased his pain. But with each new gulp he took, with each emptied bottle it started only getting worse. Every faceless girl he slept with, every emptied bottle now were constant reminders of her. Her touch, her kiss, her scent… the nights they used to spend together, drinking and speaking about nothing and everything, all at the same time… laughing at silliest jokes. The each memory of her brought brand new wave of pain through his body. That hurt much more than he had ever imagined.

He kept lying to himself. That was easer than face the truth. He wanted to fight but now was only slowly giving up. He didn’t blame her. He wanted to but simply couldn’t. It supposed to be easy to hate someone who broke your heart, who caused so much pain to you. But he couldn’t…

Not seeing her at all was easier than seeing her by his side… although, she wanted to see him. She kept calling him but he never answered her calls. She left him thousand messages but he erased them all without listening. She even came to London to see him but… he wasn’t able to see her. He didn’t want her to see him so broken. He knew that she would blame herself for that. It still was easier for him to hurt himself instead of hurting her.

His cell-phone rang again that night. He knew who the caller was. She. She still cared about him – the part of him which hadn’t given up yet said. His hand reached for the phone but his mind stopped it.

“She has to start living her own life, ” he whispered himself. “But I don’t have a life anymore. ” He kept telling those words to everyone but he never really believed them.

The phone kept ringing. She wasn’t going to give up easily. She never would. And he was. He already had…

“Cheers, Kristen. If that only makes you happy, ” he whispered, taking the final gulp of beer.

Cheers, darlin’
I got years to wait around for you…

Damien Rice’s voice echoed from the speakers…

~~~

“Why do you keep calling him? ” Nikki asked. “You know perfectly well that he won’t answer. ”

“I’ve hurt him so much. I never mean to but I did… He doesn’t deserve that. No one does, ” she was fighting the tears as she spoke. Her ‘best’ friend wasn’t the one she could share tears with.

“Hurt or not, I’m pretty sure he’ll survive. What the hell makes you think he cares about you as much as you do? It looks like you are the hurt one. Besides, I think it’s better he decided to move on. You should do that too, ” Nikki’s voice was hard.

“It’s only you who think so. I’ll better go now. It’s useless to talk about Rob with you, ” she replied.

“Think about that, ” Nikki said as she watched Kristen leaving her place.

It was raining outside. Much more colder that it usually was in LA. He would be used to this. She thought to herself as she stepped into the rain. She wasn’t sure where to go. Definitely not home. She was too tired of seeing Michael around her. She was going to get married. We were getting married. She would have laughed at the statement if it hadn’t hurt so much. She thought it would be easier. Safe and harmonious life with her long-time boyfriend and fiancé now. Was it? She wasn’t able to answer. She took her cell-phone once more. Quickly picked the number and pressed ‘call’. She only wanted to hear his voice. Waiting seemed to last for ages. She was going to press ‘end’ as he answered.

“What do you want? ” he asked. His voice was low and hard. He had never spoken to her that way.

“Rob, I…” she couldn’t find the right words.

“Aren’t your fiancé making you happy? He can’t give you what you want? Sorry, but I can’t help you either. I’m so fucking tired of all your calls, messages… Why can’t you just move on? Marry him, sleep with him, give birth for his child… I don’t know… Whatever you want… Just stop looking for me. Is it so hard to get a life? ”

She couldn’t believe the words he’d said. He was her savior, her protector, her best friend… And now he hated her. She couldn’t understand what she had done wrong.

“I’m so sorry, Rob… I didn’t mean to make you angry. ” She was fighting the tears again, and he seemed to notice her sobs.

“Damn, Kristen, don’t cry. I don’t want you to cry. C’mon, love. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so unkind to you. I’m just really pissed of all that shit… you know. ” He was trying to comfort her now.

“You don’t hate me, do you? ” She only managed to whisper.

“How can I hate someone like you, love? How can I hate someone, I love – “his voice cut off as he seemed to have said something he shouldn’t have. “Someone as lovely as you, Kris. ”

“Thanks. I couldn’t bare the feeling of you hating me… I missed you so fucking much. ” She still didn’t trust her voice.

“Me too. ” She knew that before he even had answered. She listened to his breathing for a while and then her ears caught familiar chords.

“Damien Rice? ” she wondered.

“What am I, darlin’? The boy you can fear? Or your biggest mistake? ” he sang in response.

She understood the double meaning behind his answer. Cheers, darlin’. She knew that song too well.

“I’m too shy… I should have kissed you when we were alone, ” was her answer.

“You shouldn’t, ” he chuckled.

“It’s in the lyrics, silly. ”

“I know.  I know. ” His voice was hard again. “You should go now, I guess. International calls cost too much. We don’t want to make your fiancé angry with enormous phone bills, do we? ”

Like he cared about the costs of international calls.

“We don’t… I guess. Well… thanks, Rob, ” she said.

“You’re welcome, Kris. Anytime, ” he replied and hung up.

She was all alone in the rain again.

~~~

SHIT.

Shitshitshit.

Why do I have to be so soft when it comes to her? Why can’t I just move on? Forget her? Find someone else? Anyone. She’s engaged… She’s getting married. HIM, not me. Damn. Why do I give up all the time, I hear her crying? Aren’t there other girls in this damn world? Is she the last one of something? It’s pathetic. Seriously. No, it’s more unhealthy. For both of us.

~~~

Al least, he doesn’t hate me. He should, I guess. He has all reasons to hate… I’ve hurt him. I broke his heart. I knew he loved me but I chose easier way. I’ve always been a coward. A stupid coward. Does that change anything? No. And he knows that too. Nikki’s right. I should move on. Just like him. I have everything I’ve wanted. It’s not fair to ask for something more. But I’ve always wanted things I was NOT able to have… But if I really don’t love him why do I care about him so much? Yeah, right… He’s my best friend. My soulmate. Or at least he used to be. I wish he would forgive me. I couldn’t bear loosing him in any case.

Kristen was standing in the rain. It was a perfect way to hide tears, streaming her face. She had no place to go now. She only wanted to be alone. To find reasons for choices she made. More and more she thought about that clearer and clearer she realized she’d chosen wrong. She chose an easier way. Easier didn’t mean right. Now she understood that. But there was nothing she could do. There wouldn’t be a happy ending in her story. Happy endings didn’t exist. Happy stories never ended. And her story wasn’t one of them. Her story would have an ending. It wouldn’t be happy. She made too many mistakes, too many wrong choices to make it happy. And it was too late to correct those mistakes. She had no other way left but to lie to herself and everyone else. She was an actress. She knew how to lie to everyone. Lying and pretending were both parts of her job. But she never lied to herself…

~~~

He gave up. Again. He swore himself that wouldn’t happen hundreds of times. And gave up again. He couldn’t fight his feelings. He wasn’t strong enough. He was strong in front of everyone but her. He just kept giving up each time he saw her. Each time he spoke with her. He would have fought for her love but he was too afraid of hurting her. He kept telling himself that marriage would make her happy. Her happy being should be the only thing he should care about. And if Michael couldn’t make her happy, he would stand next to her. He would wipe all her tears away. He would always be around her. He would always wait for her. He would always love her. He got years to wait…