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There's a river flowing out there:
A bridge was risen above the river,
It gives a path to newer place.
The river would be bound by the shape of the shore,
It will never give you a repeated though.
A fishing rod, forgotten by a man,
Whose son has just passed an exam.
In euphory he has run home, leaving the rod
                              on the shore,
Which is waiting for its special fish, so it can
                              be brought home.
River - symbol of eternity,
Perpetum mobile from a certain view.
There's an old soldier shoe in the waters:
Shoe has drawn all the attention,
Even sun tries to dry it,
But it's just leather, which will not come back
Or thank you
Like the person, which you've given up with.
2007-10-15 17:38
Į mėgstamiausius įsidėjo
Šią informaciją mato tik svetainės rėmėjai. Plačiau...
 
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Blogas komentaras Rodyti?
2007-10-16 10:07
Elfegas Sinušas
A bridge, a river and a shoe
A bridge was risen - (why not) a bridge has been risen?
to a newer place
by the shape of the bank (not the shore) - the shore refers to a sea or an ocean
forgotten by the man, whose son...
in euphoria - I would suggest - in elevated spirits
a or the river - a symbol of eternity
from a certain view - (better) in a certain way
the shoe has drawn...
even the sun...
like the person, (better) whom you've given up with
Your title is a bridge, a river and a shoe, but you start from the river, then comes the bridge. So it would be logical to say A river, a bridge and a shoe. What do you think? You write so much about the river, introducing quite strong comparisons - a symbol of eternity, perpetum mobile. The bridge has been mentioned only once, the shoe only twice. As they are the equal members of the title of your poem, something more should be said about them. Generally, this poem has been the best so far. Keep going.
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Blogas komentaras Rodyti?
2007-10-15 21:41
Nirvanned
Tik dabar pastebejau, ten "...give you a repeated thought" turetu buti.
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