midnight thoughts

I am lying in my bed, it's 1.43 am. I am listening to music. I feel fucked up. I want somebody by my side so bad, it hurts. I didn't feel this way already for quite some time. I guess its because I was drunk for quite some time now. I hate loneliness. I simply cannot stand it. and still I'm without gf almost 3 years already. I am going crazy at times. I start think about someone I currently like. I think same things again, again and again. Until it hurts not only in my heart but also in my head. I would like to drink a bit now. just a bit. just enough to be able not to think. just until black out. just until the pain would go away.
Why I am the way I am I do not know. I am not able to get a girl in a club because I do not care enough. I am not able to get a girl from my friends because I care too much...
I never lack attention from girls. But to put it mildly I am not that bright as things come to romantic relationships. I am dumb, blind and hopeless. To put it frankly.
Now it struck me, instead of writing this shit I could write a book "100 ways to end up without a girl" based on true story I should add.
Ahh I haven't introduced myself. 21-year-old Lithuanian male. I love girls, beer and basketball. Yeah right... A very troubled youngster. I know how to live, how to enjoy life. You know the thought that man should live in the moment. well basically I'm living in the moment. Only one problem, I'm alone in it. And this time i am not talking about girls. I am talking about the world. I live without plans and without obligations. But damn I just became lazy. very lazy. In the moment I choose not to do anything. No work, no studies, just alcohol, cigarettes and friends. Down the spiral of life. People created a system which implies that people live in the future or in the past. The only way to escape it is to have a big positive cash flow or smth equivalent. and i still don't have it, so i am doomed. Well in one more respect.