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Bending your spine. Start a line. Hands full of chalk, I put them on the start line, legs are trembing, feet are out of place. Just 2 msecs and there will be a shot, simbolising my last start. I can`t mess around this time, I am afraid. How the hell I could ever mess around in all of my previous starts? And blessed be the power, the spirit or the creature who/which gave me all those chances to try again and again. 0. 8 msec left until the starting shot – Matt, you know, I am going to lose. There`s no way I could ever compete with all these people. There`s no future, no chance for me – just another big failure. 0. 3 msec to the starting shot – no, I don`t want to lose, maybe those people aren`t as strong as they look, maybe they have their own weaknesses that they are hiding behind their smiles. I was given that last start, what, shall I just give up now? A hobo is sitting nearby, pouring beer into an open mouth of his dog.
- Do you want my last start? – I ask.
He looks at me with haze in his eyes. He smiles and shakes his head:
- No, I don`t want no starts. I`ve lost them all and I cannot be bothered to start again. I`m happy here. I have my best two friends beside me, I could never ask for more. And new starts just complicate things...
He kept on talking and I noticed that I`ve just missed my final starting shot. I could see the backs of all these people, their sweat, the muscles of their legs, their bold heads and fit bodies. I suddenly looked at myself and I thought that I`ve already started to melt. I couldn`t move my feet, it felt like I was chained to the ground. I panicked, I couldn`t think anymore. Adrenaline kicked in eventually and I started to run. I`ve lost my breath. I didn`t know where I was running, I just follwed all those fit bodies which looked like they knew where they were going. And obviously, I failed in this start too. I never really wanted it. Maybe I took it like all other things I take but which I don`t really need. What do I need then? Maybe I`d be happy living like that hoho man – not having anything, then there`s nothing to lose, probably nothing to gain either. Or maybe there`s always something to gain when you have nothing  because life is full of gifts, maybe it is a gift itself.
The winners were bathing in champagne, surrounded by all those half-naked girls with their long legs, blong hair and fake lips. They smiled at me – what else were they suppose to do? I knelt down, put my forehead on cold wet concrete and started to weep, I was shiverring, the feeling od dissapointment was floating from my head to toes, reaching the most deserted corners of my soul, my lonely and so failed universe. I was selfishly weeping in front of all those crowds of people whose eyes were full of excitement to see the winners. I didn`t realise how someone threw a bottle at me, I didn`t remember  how I had been touched by so many dirty hands, rough hands, hands that I hated, hands which I didn`t want to touch my body, hands which meant nothing to me. I didn`t realise how the night had ended and I had woken up to the dawn. I have never seen a more beutiful thing in my whole life (maybe just your eyes). The Sun was slowly waking, making His way through the darkness and piles of clouds. I sat there completely stunned, with blood slowly drying on my face, sat there with my dirty hands. I was sitting there naked as a baby. It was just me and the Sun. Our loneliness met. I had nowhere to escape to and I had nowhere to run. I had nothing to stop that from happening. And hey, I`ve just lost my last start. I was supposed to be spiritually or at least physically dead and not have that moving meeting with the Sun. He had no shame, He got straight into all the lost and forgotten places of my soul, my blood stopped, the dirt disapeared. I thought I could see the eyes of the Sun with that beautiful banana - like smile. I was not able to move anymore. There was not much point in moving anyway. I hated the Sun almost as much as I loved Him. I hated Him because he had washed away the dirt which used to help me to hide my face and the inpurity of my soul. I hated the Sun because He came and completely destroyed everything who I was before or everything who I ever wanted to be, turned my ways and paths upside down and He was still there, within me, shining so bright that I could hardly breathe.
2013-01-26 22:33
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