rašyk.lt: Kūriniai / Selina Kyle / one eyed grape

we search for a connection
desperately trying to find an anchor
to hold us together
so we don't start sinking
like blind fishes
we flounder
and search for that one
tide to finally
bring us home
when we are the ones who managed
to loose the track
we choke on the water
forgotten the gills
that we hid
so long ago that
it’s become a rotten organ
that belong to the ocean.

we are Atlantis
stranded
Lost

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2022-04-02 02:33

Passchendaele

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2016-03-26 09:55

Kostia

Ku čia parašei? Arabiškai mažu.

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2016-03-26 07:40

wrawr

The text, per se, isn't entirely horrible, but the ending simply kills it. It gives it such a defined, blatant meaning, basically, puts an interpretation of a writer into the mind of a reader. Which is never a good thing, pretty much. On the matter of the text, the rhythm fails me quite a few times, more notably "we choke on the water", "it's become a rotten organ". Furthermore, about the latter, if you're writing a poem, always use "it has" instead of "it's". As "it's" is very much defined as "it is" these days. Also, "loose"? I'm pretty sure you've meant lose. As for the meaning, the text was below average already, but the ending, as I said, killed it completely. And there are some textual fallacies, and let me explain what I mean by that. "<...>gills/that we hid/so long<...>". That we were hiding. Not "we hid/so long". You see, you can't arrange a one-time action in your past with a certain period of time in this way, it simply doesn't work in the language.

1 xoxo

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2016-03-25 15:44

mes_ka

skaitant atrodo, kad nepaisant naujaučiamo autoriaus išankstinio žinojimo apie egzistuojančią Atlantidą ir žiaunas, jis tarsi nevisada tai žinojo. tokia lyg paslaptis, kada tas nujautimas atsirado. čia gaunasi pastebėjimas ne visai į temą.

o apie eiles.. tai man ta viena akis jau lyg toks mirksnis (kartu ir toli nuo atviro žvilgsnio).. žiaunos rudimentinės, bet vis dėlto jos yra. mes - vis tiek gražus tas žodis, kurio nieks nemėgsta - viltis. čia kažkaip gal per daug svajūkiškai pakomentavau. vaikiškai. bet būnu vaiku kartais

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