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I like how the sun sets behind the dark forest and the sky darkens over the course of a few hours, maybe even minutes – I tend to lose track of time when I look through the window. During these magical moments my mind is filled with exhilarating visuals of my ideal life. I tend to imagine situations that will never happen only to make myself delusional to the things around me.

I imagine my first date; it’s dark and only the city lights shield over our corpses slowly moving through the busy night streets. I don’t know my date – I have never spoken to him nor have had a clear notion of who he is as a person, so in my imagination he doesn’t speak. It would make it worse and ruin his image as I have only observed him from a far.  We could talk about the inner emptiness and eternal sadness of human beings, that everybody feels but doesn’t talk about. Our conversation could be filled with long pauses and shy stares at each other, maybe he would try to take my hand and I wouldn’t resist. Then we would walk hand in hand discussing how hard it is to create something valuable and perfect, how hard life is and how we are all alone. At the end of the date he would hug me and – oh! – I hope he likes me.

It will never happen. The mere visions disappear and I’m left with the ever-changing clouds in the sky. I will never be fully understood by my closest, I’m truly alone with my thoughts, illusions and dreams. They help me through this emptiness. It shouldn’t be sad to acknowledge these facts since it is relevant to every single person in the world. We are born alone and will die so too. The gap between these two major life events is filled with people: friends, family, acquaintances. But we will never be able to express the exact thoughts we have. That is what I call the loneliness and emptiness. Even now I can’t find the right words to describe the feelings I have. I would love to live long enough to write something true. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. We live on the verge of possibilities. Experiencing one of them I wouldn’t know what would have happened with the latter. Sometimes it’s calming that I don’t have to wonder which one was better and the other times I’m left intrigued yet unlucky to have had the opportunity to experience the other possibility.

It’s quite difficult to write in English. At some point my mind is in fact – fluent, but then I have doubts. In my room the dark is getting ahead so it’s hard for me to see what I have written. The grammar structures I have been taught make no sense and I have no idea where to use them.
Now the sky is grey, I might think it to be bland, indeed it is boring. I look at it and see nothing. Everything mashes into a form of nothing, I am nothing. No one on the planet of seven billion people.
2019-07-21 23:16
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Blogas komentaras Rodyti?
2020-03-26 20:10
Kai kurie jausmai labai labai pažįstami, bet norėtusi aiškesnės struktūros
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2019-07-23 11:00
Romantiškas kūrinys, romantizmo laikų dvasia tokia... Pabaigoje taip ir likau nesupratusi, kodėl vis dėlto reikėjo rašyti angliškai, bet galbūt kaip tik dėl tos dvasios...O gal tai noras išsibandyti. Romano pradžia, ar romano vidurys, kūrinys, žinokite, reikalaujantis dar kažko, lyg tęsinio, lyg ir ne...
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